Hatchet (2006)

​Written and Directed by Adam Green
 
Starring: Robert Englund, Kane Hodder, Mercedes McNab, Tony Todd, Joel Moore, Tamara Feldman, Deon Richmond, Parry Shen, Joleigh Fioreavanti, Joel Murray
 
IMDb 5.7/10
Rotten Tomatoes 51%
Metacritic 57%

​Cast of Characters:

Sampson Dunston (Robert Englund) ---A backwoods father that loves to hunt alligators in the swamp, killed by a monstrous thing while swamping

Ben (Joel Moore) ---A brokenhearted sap who has been recently dumped by his girlfriend of eight years, friends have brought him to Mardis Gras to cheer him up

Reverend Zombie (Tony Todd) ---Creepy gentleman who sends Ben and Marcus to a different place for a Haunted Swamp Tour

Doug Shapiro (Joel Murray) ---Sleazy “director”, gets the two hot chicks topless whenever he can

Jenna (Joleigh Fioreavanti) ---Actress, very proud of herself, chick two of two for Bayou Beavers, has more of a brain than Misty

Mr. and Mrs. Permatteo (Richard Riehle and Patrika Darbo) ---Married couple from Minnesota, typical tourists on the Haunted Swamp Tour

Ainsley Dunston (Joshua Leonard) ---Son of Sampson, brother of Marybeth, swamping with father, complains a lot, killed by same monster that killed his father

Marcus (Deon Richmond) ---Good friend of Ben’s, left the wild and nude Mardi Gras to go on Haunted Swamp Tour with Ben for friendly support

Shawn (Parry Shen) ---A clueless tour guide who knows nothing about Louisiana, the swamp or how to drive a boat

Misty (Mercedes McNab) ---Airhead porn star, one of two hot chicks that are getting paid to make a film, Bayou Beavers

Marybeth Dunston (Tamara Feldman) ---Daughter of Sampson, sister of Ainsley, on Haunted Swamp Tour to find her missing brother and father who went missing one night while fishing in the swamp

Victory Crowley (Kane Hodder) ---A disfigured man kept in hiding from the world by his father, neighborhood kids tried to burn his house down with him in it, father hit him in the head with a hatchet trying to break into the house through the front door, Victor was leaning against the door

The basic story is this:
 
We start with Sampson and Ainsley.  Sampson is in his boat with his son, waiting for an alligator to appear.  Ainsley is whining about being out in the dark, and cold, and that he needs to pee.  Soon, they are both dead.
​
Ben is down because he’s been dumped.  His friends, fueled on beer and testosterone, take him to Mardis Gras in Louisiana to get his mind of of things by surrounding him with drunk topless chicks and lots of beer and beads.  Ben isn’t really digging all of this so, he decides to go off by himself to do a Haunted Swamp Tour.  His good friend Marcus decides to abandon the party scene and go with him, although he constantly tells Ben how much the whole idea sucks and is boring.
 
They go to where friends said they went the previous year but, Reverend Zombie explains he’s not doing tours anymore.  So, he sends them to another place.  There they find Shawn.  A ridiculous tour guide that knows absolutely nothing about anything, it’s incredible he can even spell his name to cash paychecks.  However, Shawn has allowed Doug Shapiro to film scenes of Bayou Beavers in his shop and on his tour bus and boat.  (I wonder how Shapiro accomplished that…he’s so sleazy I am SURE he didn’t have a lot to pay Shawn of with.)
 
Ben and Marcus get on the tour bus.  So do Misty and Jenna (I’m guessing they’re the “beavers”), and Doug.  Already on the bus are Marybeth, sitting quietly by herself and the Permatteos, anxiously awaiting the tour.  Ben sits next to Marybeth, Marcus next to Jenna.  While Marcus thinks about making a move on Jenna, Ben nervously tries to make small talk with Marybeth, who isn’t very talkative…or pleasant.  And they make their way to the swamp.
 
While on the boat tour, Shawn incorrectly tells a story about Victor Crowley.  Marybeth corrects him.  He was a deformed boy whose father kept him locked in the house to avoid ridicule. One day, kids came around and set fire to the house.  Victor was inside.  While trying to bust down the door with a hatchet Victor’s father struck Victor in the head.  Victor was leaning against the door, unbeknownst to his father.  Now, Victor roams the woods and the swamp looking for his father, killing whoever he comes across.
 
Shawn, the inexperienced boater that he is, gets the little tour boat high-centered and stuck on a rock. They all decide to get to shore where they spend the rest of the film running for their lives from Victor.  No, not all of them survive.
 
THE END
 
This film was made in the classic slasher film style.  There’s a lot of blood, great gore and some witty banter thrown back and forth.  I actually really enjoyed this film.  It definitely reminded me of the 80s slashers we’ve come to know and love.  I will say I was a little dejected to see Robert Englund snuffed out so early. But, Kane Hodder does a great job as Victory Crowley.  I also like that they didn’t waste a whole lot of time setting up the story.  Real slasher films don’t need a lot of set up.  All we need is a group of people who unwittingly walk into a murderous nightmare.  Once we have that, it’s all smooth sailing as we just sit back and watch the gore unfold.
 
As I was watching the movie, I knew I recognized Misty from somewhere.  She was actually the little stuck up blonde girl in the Addams Family Values.  Joel Murray, Shapiro, is one of Bill Murray’s brothers.  We all know who Kane Hodder is.  But, if you’ve been living under a rock for the last thirty years or so, he’s known for playing Jason Voorhees in four of the Friday the 13thmovies. He has also said that his favorite kill scene that he’s done is in this film…where he tears a woman’s face in half. It really is a great scene.
 
Though called “campy” by Rotten Tomatoes (shocker), I think the sarcasm is just right, not over-the-top. We all know Rotten Tomatoes critics don’t seem to like REAL horror.  However, this film DID get just slightly over a 50% rating and for them on Horror, that’s pretty good.
 
Okay, so if you get grossed out easy, don’t watch this.  If bare breasts bother you, don’t watch this.  If you don’t like sequel setups, don’t watch this.  If you hate the woman being the heroine and protagonist, don’t watch this.
 
BUT, if you like watching chicks with guns take charge and kick a lot of ass, outsmart a killer and blood and gore PLUS the chance of a sequel, then this film is for you.  You’re sure to get some laughs and some super bloody scenes.  Hope you enjoy!!!
 
RATINGS
3.5/5 Stars